Friday, October 30, 2009
Ram and Uma are standing in front of a vegetable shop.
Uma as usual arguing with the shopkeeper over the prices.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a tall guy lunges at Ram with a huge sickle.
"CUT...good shot. Lets packup for the day" shouts the Director on the megaphone.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The beginning of myself
Just another day in college and I was immersed in my story in the classroom. My OM (operations management) lecturer came from nowhere and grabbed the paper from my hand which I was trying to hide. Every student was laughing as she was reading out the story for all, she was happy for the reason that my story had woken up the sleepy students. I was waiting to get thrown out of the class so that i can happily continue writing my story sitting under the banyan tree near our college canteen. But she ordered me to stand out of the classroom and listen to her lecture. At the end of the session, she asked me to meet her in the staff room. I wondered why she was treating me like a school boy. I followed her to the staff room. She gave the paper back to me and said,
“Amit, the story is fantastic, keep it up”
I was confused about her behavior and as she read my mind and said “First I asked you to get out of the class as you are not supposed to do something personal in the classroom while the lecturer is taking a class. Secondly, I asked you to stand outside the room and not to leave the class as the topics were very important and you would not understand the following classes if you miss this. Finally, I called you separately and praised you for the story as I wanted to encourage you to hone your writing skills to better deliver your thoughts in your stories”.
I was thrilled, I consider her as a management guru, I in fact liked her classes as it would be always like an English movie for the whole session and that’s the way she presents the concepts with fluent English.
She continued and said “Amit, I know your next class is free so lets go to the canteen, I want to share a short story with you”.
We went to the canteen, ordered 2 cups of tea and sat facing each other in a corner table.
She said in a soothing tone “Paulo Coelho is a great writer, this little story is an extract from his book”.
I was completely focused, as I liked stories
“A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for 40 days and finally came upon a beautiful castle high a top of a mountain. It was there the wise man lived. “Rather than finding a saintly man , though our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of a activity : tradesmen came and went , people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone and the boy had to wait for 2 hours before it was his turn to be given the man’s attention.
“The wise man listened attentively to the boy’s explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn’t have time just to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in 2 hours.
“Mean while I want to ask you to do something said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held 2 drops of oil. As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill”
“The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After 2 hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.
“Well’ asked the wise man ‘did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
The boy was embarrassed and confessed that he observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man entrusted to him.
“Then go back and observe the marvels of my world” said the wise man. ‘You cannot trust a man if you don’t know his house”
“Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.”
“But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you “asked the wise man
“Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the old was gone.
“Well there is only one piece of advise I can give you said the wisest of the wise men. The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil in the spoon.
Before I could take my last sip of my tea, she walked off saying bye to me. It took few minutes for me to understand that she meant my passion (story writing/ dreams) as Palace and my social responsibility (Studies, Career, family etc..) as oil.
This story sealed in my heart there after.
My First job
Days passed by, I realized I am no more a college student as I ended up in a start up IT company called “First software solutions”. Probably that’s the natural choice after graduating with an Engineering Degree. The company had a great vision but a poor financial strategy.
I spent almost 2 years in the company, one reason I didn’t seek another opportunities outside was Sindhu, my colleague - an ambivert. Her sharpness, high energy levels got me attracted to her. Being Freshers, we had lot of free time which we religiously spent over many cups of coffee in the pantry, then in messenger and some times talk over phone even though we were cubicles away, like any true blooded IT people.
To celebrate Dasara, we had to come dressed in ethnic clothes to our office. On that day my colleague asked me
“Hi Amit, did you see Sindhu today ? she looks beautiful “
“No I haven’t as yet , ”
“You have to look at her” he insisted
"I just had a glimpse" I said. "She was wearing white saree with maroon border which by the way, blends in with her fair complexion. Loose hair after neat hair wash, with jasmine flowers on it, a small horizontal sandal wood paste on her forehead with her shyness mixed with naughtiness dancing in her face.”
My colleague gave a weird look and said “ I thought you just had a glimpse”
I was just pretending to work by looking in to the computer, just then arrived a mail from HR stating “Urgent organization communication”
We all assembled in the meeting room in the office. Many rumors were floating around the room “we got a new project”, “we are closing down”, “and we are going to have pay cuts”. Blah blah, I was admiring everybody’s imagination.
The HR manager walked in made the announcement, he walked off after answering few questions raised by our colleagues and it took some time for us to realize that the company in the verge of closing.
The market was very dull that companies outside were also not absorbing people, that was the first time I heard the word “Recession” in the year 2000.
(To be continued...)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
He pressed the gun on his temple.
His trembling fingers crawling towards trigger.
Beads of sweat, formed a beeline over his eyebrows.
He closed his eyes and pulled..."Raammm....close that novel and go to sleep.
Remember, you have school tommorow" shrieked Mom.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Storywise its nothing big. Rich spoilt brat fails exam..fights with parents..leaves all comforts and goes out to live with his friend who falls for him and in the end they fall in love with each other. First half semma cute n sweet and porathay therila. Before you realise its interval. Second half slowa poguthu. But not boring i would say. Overall paisa vassool. Infact i would love to see it again.
Intha padam paathaprum realised..how many things i am actually missing in this city. I'vent even scratched the tip yet. Its a totally different world out here which i'vent explored yet. No company for that but still..it sounds so fun out there. Rich..lavish..carefree..and totally unlike anything i've ever seen. Kelambrathukulla should check all these atleast once :)
Also saw Achamundu Achamundu. semma disappointment. Enamo perusa solla varamathirye buildup kuduthu onumay ilama chappunu mudichitanga. That movie director is a friends friend. Adhunalaye innum neria expectation vera. Prasanna looks so natural and Sneha chaancela. But feel wasted in the movie. No story at all. Could've been more daring and better. Child abuse pathi storynu solitu there is nothing related to that in the movie. Kadhal kondenla vara mathiri on ur facea ilatiyum atleast they cud've tried something.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Romba simple kathai. Infact, at best, the story could've been an interesting blog post. But bestseller??hmm..considering that DDLJ was such a blockbuster hit and is still running..why not. Its a feel good book. With lot of witty lines. The author apologises to tamilians and assures that he has teased his own clan in an equal way. But his barbs at punjabis are more critical in nature and is at this satirical best while making fun of tamilian customs. His comments on M.S Subbulakshmiyoda subrapatham..outright hilarious and in the end when they try to spell the kalyaana mandapam name...too gud :) I dont understand the vulgar language inserted in between used by autowallahs. It wasnt necessary. How much ever he might deny it, the feeling of an autobio is hard to get over. I didnt like the part where he fights with his dad. Totally unwarranted. Maybe it would be taken care while this goes to production. And i fail to understand why does he promotes live in relationships and premarital sex in every book of his!!
Best part about the book is, within minutes you can identify yourself with the character. Enaku book padika padika..ithula yar nadicha nallarukumnu oru casting sessionay mandaikulla oda aarambichidichi :) i could relate myself to that character a lot :) Heroine descriptionlam vachu paatha either Tamanna or Rukmini fit avanga thonuthu. May be Anandha thandavam patha effecta kooda irukalam :) Author has taken special pains to get his tamil spellings correct :) kudos to that. Beginning portionla vara romantic segments are too good. Loved it. Heroine character almost sounds like a maniac. A rebel at best i would say . Hero's mom character sounds very natural.
I am going to read the book again. I am glad i bought the book. Chennai airportla vaanginen and i was laughing all the way to mumbai. I had a great trip and usuala kaathu adaikum flightla vantha. This time didnt feel that. Thanks to the book. Ithey mathiri inum ethana kathai he can churn out is anybody's guess. But his simple narrating style is a sure shot winner. Would definitely wait for his next book.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
*** Finally saw Anandha Thaandavam movie. Romba naala paakanumnu aasai. It wasnt that great and reviewslayum kaari thupirunthaanga. Still Sujatha story. Miss panna mudiyuma :)enakku padam konjam pudichirunthuchi..it wasnt tht bad. Tamanna padamnu nenachutrunthen til i saw Rukmani. Chaancela...semma performance and ennama dance aadraanga!!! villa valayuthu udambu. Enaku padathoda director mela thaan seri gaandu. Intha kathaiya apdiye bookelnthu ee adichaan copy adichirukara mathiri iruku. Konjam situationsa maathi intha timeku etha mathiri potrukalam. Sujatha antha book ezthuthinapo ponunga thanni adikarathu peria mattera irunthirukalam. Ipo sarva satharanama aadichi. Athunala perusa ethuvum impact agala. Again Tamanna charactera konjam loosaatum kaatirukanga. Oru strong lady vs one lovely but loosu lady rendu peruku nadula hero. Konjam chracterisation gavanichiruntha padam nalla vanthirukumnu thonuthu. "poovinai thiranthu" and "kanaa kaangiren".. 2 rocking songs.
*** "Eeram"..S pictures kalakaranga. Shankar ushaar paarty. Than sontha kaasuna low budget padama edukarar..ooran kaasuna poonthu velaada vendiathu. Still quality movies. After Duet movies, nambi padam paaka kudia oru bannerna athu S picturesnu he proves again. Romba varusham kazhichi tamizhla oru sooper pei padam. Best part is its a mix of horror thriller and romance too. First half ponathey terila. Very swift. Heroine pathi kekara chinna vhinna vishayamlaam link panni flash back potrukara vitham..background music..rendum asathal. Mazhaiye mazhaiye song 2 gud. Heroine semma homely and cute :) herokita director solli solli aluthirupaar nenakren. padathula avar sirika matengarargarthu kaamediavay varuthu :) Thannia main charactera vachu eduthirukarathu Final Destination padam remind paninaalum semma effort. Choochu kutty charanyaaku no role.Summa vantu poranga avlo thaan. Kathai ennanulam solamaten :) romba naal kazhichi nalla suspense padam. So chk it out urself. Kandipa u wont regret :)
*** Pona vaaram Unnai pol oruvan, Ugly truth, Ninaithaalay inikum paathen. A wednesday paatha effectlenthay inum meelala.Athukula UPO paathathunala perusa no impact. Ugly truth rauvusu padam. 2009 take on Harry met sally. Very wicked comedy :) I enjoyed it.Gerard Butler is fast becoming the pinup guy for gals :) Ninaithaalay inikum..perusa solrathuku onumila. Normal movie. College life pathina padamnu peru normala college pasanga panra galataas kuda ilama romba silenta irukum. Ninaicha matum porathungov..padathulayum kaatanum.
*** On the way back from chennai bought the latest book by Chetan Bhagat. 2 States. My flight was already delayed by one hour. Inum oru rendu hour delay paniruntha kooda poruthitrunthirupen nenakren. Laughed all the way from chennai to mumbai reading the book. Paathi thaan padichiruken. Already loving it. Sort of guessed how its going to end. Still cant wait to finish it :)
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Maarbodu Anaikkaiyiley "
(Ajcl/athivasi pls translate for Swaram :) )
I think i am way too partial when it comes to girl kids :) Would love to have one in my family soon. I wish by next year my sis also joins the list :) Me eagerly waiting for my neice/nephew.
That song which i have mentioned above from that movie is so very dear to me. I can see my dad in Prakashraj. My dad was CCP version of his character. My sis was the apple of his eye. He always respected her opinion and was so proud of her achievements. My dad never liked anyone interfering in his work. If he does any task be it cleaning the house or preparing decorations for Golu he would simply refuse any help and would always want to do things of his own, barring my sis. She was one person who had the veto over him :) She used to stay awake late night to take care of him when he was unwell. And justly, She was the one who was with him when he breathed his last while i was 300 miles away :( Till the time i came she didnt even cry and was consoling my mom and broke down only after seeing me.
Today i see the reflection of my dad in her. The same decisive nature, strictness, boldness, creativity, stubborness and friendly nature ..ditto :) My dad had lots of friends and the entire street, where we stayed, knew him personally. I used to joke that if he stood as councillor in my locality he would win hands down. Same applies to my sis. Whichever bank she gets transfered to, the staff would simply adore her and obey her command. She is the darling of my family and would always be my first kid.
I think how much ever one might debate, women have always been the strong stronger strongest of the sexes. Male egoes might take a bruising but the ultimate truth is undeniable :)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Diwali used to be the king of festivals, especially for kids. There used to be competitions between streets as to whose street is more dirtier. It used to be fun. Somewhere, over time, bursting cracker has lost its sheen. Is it because i have matured and is no longer interested in it or have i become cost conscious (considering the hundreds which has to be paid for a single packet of any bombs..atrocious!!) I dont think its latter because even if i get crackers for free, i somehow dont feel like bursting any at all. I goto the nearby orphanage and share the crackers with them. Naan vedicha satham matum vara vedila avanga vedikarachay santhoshamum varuthay..antha oru kaaranam poraatha :)
But how did something which i used to love so much lost its importance..without even me realising?
One thing for sure is the sound. My god..each year its increasing so much and god knows how they do it!! Soon Indian army might consider inducting bombs directly from Sivakasi!! These guys make it sound so authentic that half the time i pray its some kid bursting cracker than something more sinister. I don't think how much ever legal restrictions are applied this can ever be stopped. So people have taken steps to nip it in the bud. Schools have started preaching the wastage and harmful effects of bursting crackers and poor brainwashed kids even come out carrying slogans against the cracker manufacturers. Though the point gets conveyed, rather strongly, they unknowingly deprive the kids of the joy of bursting crackers. Yes. I still can't convince myself to totally put a blanket ban on bursting. I think anything done at a moderate level is enjoyable. May be we can selectively ban certain type of crackers like
Bombs!! Serious stuff. No second thoughts.
All "wallaas" be it 10,100 or 1000 and above. That nonstop noise drives me crazy.
Bijilis. The way kids light these up and threw it in air...these are the most dangerous. Some of them even find their way inside the living room!!!
And those which emnates smoke like "Saattais". I have a heart patient at home and i find it terrifying to watch them suffer from loss of breath.
Instead..the manufacturers can divert their creativity in making different kinds of flower pots. There used to be parachute..train and variety of crackers. Not sure if they are still there. They can invent more interesting crackers like this and also ensuring a control on smoke emitted from these. I would love to see more and more varieties of rockets and similar crackers. In short i would love diwali to be a night festival where people can watch all their patti mandrams and megahit superhit movies in peace, visit their relatives during the day and happily light up the night sky.
I want the best of both. I hate the noise and smoke..but still i wouldnt want kids to miss out on the joy part of it. The reasons i have highlighted here might all be selfish but i hope the point gets through :)
Happy diwali folks. May this diwali be such that, we can walk out on the streets, without fear of walking into a landmine or boobytrap and greet our friends and neighbours. Its after all the festival of joy :)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.
Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.
You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."
Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby
standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to
leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and
stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat,
beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.
That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.
Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"
Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go. In the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had
been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.
I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer.
Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that...the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever... "Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........
This is a true story.
LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience....
This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge.
In life, offenses are inevitable. But holding a grudge is a choice we consciously make.
Monday, October 05, 2009
First one Dil bole hadippa...
Semma time pass movie..Rani mukerji thaadiodavum kaila batodavum poster paatha udanaye katha terinjirukum. Still apart from songs..movie semma flow. No unnecessary twists or over sentiments. Its so predictable that..you can sit back and guess the scenes to come next :) Rani mukerji comes in every single frame of the movie. Enaku thaadi vacha Rani thaan romba pudichithu :) looks so cute and semma boisterous. Shahid tries imitate chak de Sharukh. Veracha katta mathiri ninna mattum poraathu raasa. Ella scenelayum piles patient mathiriye reaction kudutha epdi. Metukudi goundamani rangeku ilanalum Naan avan ilai jeevan mathiri irunthiruka vendam.
Gils Verdict: can watch it once..wait for the DVD or sony tv to show it.
Serendipity: avvvvvvv...ithana naala en hard diskla irunthiruku. Gavanikavay ila..namma tamizh "JJ" movieoda original version. Christmas...Newyork..Love intha combinationla chk panna guess there must be hundreds of movie. And this one is no different. Mushy romantic movie. Hero meets heroine in a store. Kandathum kaathal. Fully knowing that each of them have their own BF/GF. Usuala padathula oru kenaiyan or kenachi character irukum. While hero/heroine are busy romancing each other, this character would be busy getting ready for marriage. Intha padathula rendu such character. Heroine...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....ennatha solrathu..kate beckinsaleoda padu theevira visiri aaiten :) one more to my "wish" list :D
Gils verdict: must watch movie for rom com lovers. Kaila korikka ethaachum eduthu vachikitu kooda unga aala pakkathula vachukitu..gujaalsa paathu enjoy panra padam.
Aduthu paathathu Dude where's my car.
Gils verdict: unga enemy yarachum iruntha katti poatu intha padatha paaka vainga..itha uda kodumai irukavay mudiathu!! these kinda movies should come with advisory notices. Dumb and Dumber made more sense than this movie. Ithula cult movie verayamay ithu!! enna kanraavio. directoru mubbalaye padam eduthirukar pola..avar sarakadika pona edathulalaam kathai build panirukaru!! mokkaio mokkai padam.
Notting Hill..Nethu HBOla paathen. Inum naapathu thadava vachalaum paapen :) Planning to buy the original DVD for this movie. Famous heroine falling for normal hero. After some hiccups they unite. Intha rendu line kathaiya vera yaar nadichirunthaalum ivlo nalla vanthirukumaanna doubt thaan. Julia roberts!!! ennatha solrathu. Padam paathu oru one hour varaikum kanna moodina antha million dollar smile thaan kannula nikathu. Me huge fan of Ms. Roberts. Lovely actress. Great smile. Oru sila per smile paatha cutea irukum..silarthu site adika thonum..silarodathu romba polia irukum (like aish)..This one is so original and heart felt..you cant even believe that she is acting. It burns an image in your mind and stays with you forever. Athuvum climaxku munthina scenela when Hugh Grant denies her Love..oru sooper smile varum parunga. To quote Jennifer Aniston from FRIENDS, looked as if she swallowed a hangar :) "You say it best when you say nothing at all" song is always on my playlist of favourite songs. But Julia say it all with her smile :) Its an out and out Julia roberts movie and one person who stands his ground in the movie is Hugh Grant. Again..me a huge fan of him. Especially his way of talking..with a clipped accent. Intha padam paathathulenthu "Buggered"ngra word en vocabularlya romba aazhama pathinjiruchi :) This movie and "Four weddings and a Funeral" ithu renduthoda orignial DVD kandipa would wish to have in my collection :)
Gils verdict: Evlo thadava venumnaalum pakalam :)
Friday, October 02, 2009
Since i am in clients place i hardly check my office mails. Anniki mailbox clear panlaamnu solitu paatha..there was this 5 mb mail from my friend. Ennadanu paatha...Dan Brown's latest novel!!! Got soooooper excited. I've become a big fan of Mr.Brown after Angels n Demons and DVC. Have read all his 4 books released so far. Barring Deception point i liked all his other works very much including the somewhat mokkaier Digital Fortress. I have been waiting for this book ever since he set up that teaser in his site about KRYPTOS in the CIA compound which he said will figure prominently in this book.ok..now the book.
The Lost symbol in many ways is like a sequel to DVC. Robert Langdon, the symbologist, is the cheif protoganist/detective in this one also. And just like the other two books, he has a lady sidekick, who is asusual a brilliant scientist and pisthu in her field, which again is a field which no one would have heard of. And again in this book also, like DVC, he chases across the city (this time its US and more specifically Washington) to solve the almost unbreakable code (unbreakable for everyone else..almost is because of Langdon who can solve any cryptic code under the sun). Like DVC, the villain, in this book, is again a mainac, whose knowledge about the code which he wants to be broken is next to none and somehow he also believes that Robert is the one who can break it. Not even the holder of the secret!!
Kathaia pathi review podrennu solitu lineku line DVC pathi solrenenu paakareengala. Well..right from word go..the book reminded of DVC. Its almost as if Brown wanted to remake DVC or more specifically the success of DVC maybe!! There are so many similarities in the 2 stories that if you read them back to back, kumudamla vara mathiri 6 vidhyasangal kandupudika try panlaam :) Somehow i feel there is more to this book than just a repeat of DVC. Dan Brown ruffled more than one christian feather with his take on church and vatican's policies and his controversial "literary liberal" scoop on the life of Jesus Christ. As the book ended and when the Lost Symbol gets revealed in the end, i felt Brown has tried to smoothen some of those rough edges he created with his previous book.Oruvela Brown kita saraku theenthu poachonu kuda nadula doubt varuthu. "Sincere".."Withoutwax" reference Digital fortressla evlo cutea use paniruntharnu antha book padichavangaluku terinjirukum. Athey reference intha booklayum varuthu aana the author himself calls that book as mediocre. hmmm...oruvela athu DVC alavuku hit agalingarathalayo?
As for the Lost symbol as such, it falls flat on the main count - inspiration to read more. Though many might have not had much knowledge about the Grail phenomenon everyone would've atleast heard something or other about it. With so many stories abound, it stoked in curiosity to know what new Brown was weaving about the Grail and there were many firsts in DVC which made one rooted to it. But with Lost Symbol, there seems to be some desperation to live upto the mark set by the prequel. And moreover, how many ever number of times Ancient book of secrets gets mentioned in the book, it fails to dig in the curiosity. There are many places in the plot confuses paamara reader like me...kadisi page varaikum..Ancient knowledgengarathu..bookaa..symbola..ilaati vera ethaavathaanu ekkachakakma kozhapitu kadisila Biblenu mokkaiaya mudichirukaratha pathu kadupaadichi. I felt Brown himself was not sure what would make a rivetting climax and ended up with this option.oopss..kathaia soliteno :) Spoiler alert konjam latea potruken...munnadi irukara rendu line padikatheenga. There are so many references to India, vedas, upanishads, Bagavad gita and many more about our sages. Maybe to cater more to Indian audiences?? Is this book released only in the subcontinent? (en epo paru ipdi conspiracy pathiay yosikaren? book padicha epecto?)
Ithana negativesa..apo booka padikarathu wastea..?? Apdina..no. It makes a nice read but albeit not a compelling one. As a diehard Brown fan, i was more than a bit disappointed after finishing the book. But its not that bad either. Its slow to pickup but as the story gains momentum..it moves at a mindless breakneck speed. Before you get bored and throw away the book, Brown catches your eye and takes you through a lightening bolt of a journey and before you realise, you are nearing climax.
The story is about the prodigal son, who returns back to claim something which he believes,is rightfully his. Athula koothu enanna..halfway into the book he is actually given that secret and is requested to be the keeper. Apo venamnu solitu..kadisila athey secretkaga avanga appavaiye potu torture panraan. Avanga appa avan kita unmaia solama Brown kita matum solrar. Reason being, that guy wouldnt be able to comprehend the significance of the truth. Athu varaikum, Symbola irunthutu vantha code booka maararathum antha scenelenthu thaan. The Lost symbol, glorifies teh Masons like anything. Pakkathuku pakkam oru pathu thadavaiayavathu Masons pathi reference varuthu. But ithelaam erkanavay DVCla paadichutathaala avlo impressivea illa.
Avvvvvvv...vala valanu ivlo adichitena!! enanga panrathu..i was soooper excited on getting that book but felt almost cheated after reading it. I would recommend you guys to give this book a try and come out with how you feel about it. Maybe you might end up liking it. Aana enaku pudikala.
P.S: Inniki gandhi jayanthi solitu Google logola gandhi padam poata Googleku special paaratukkal :)
Thursday, October 01, 2009
I am standing near the window..
Thinking of us..
Wrapped in warm cozy blanket..
Floating like a cloud..
At the speed of thought..
always ahead of us..
Is this life???
Mind asks again and again..
oh love!!! the greatest feeling of all..
which is lost even while being searched..
That sadness is also special..
It flows through heart..
With memories of the time we spent together..
Permanent sweet memories..
When our hands entwine..
The memories so fine..
When we seperated..
The thoughts pristine..
The innocence lost in dreams..
One morning you went missing..
The i realised i lost me..not just you..
Hope you come back into my life..
Wishing to hear from you those magic words...
When two souls mingle..
Nothing is sin..
My search ends with you...
My dreams begins with you..
Finally our eyes meet...
Whats the best form of flattery...imitation... right? Athuvum the mokkaiyer it is..the better la :) SO...Here it is..my most favourite song of recent time.
Original version: click
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